The Phrases shared by A Dad Which Rescued Us during my time as a New Dad

"I think I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of fatherhood.

But the actual experience soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his father, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get assistance. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable discussing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges dads go through.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a wider failure to talk amongst men, who still internalise negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the space to ask for a respite - spending a few days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Even with having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when younger to change how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as a way out from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that don't help," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can look after your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the stability and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they faced their issues, changed how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I feel like my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are through this experience."